I Never Thought
by Moonbeam-987
Summary: "I'm sleep deprived, dehydrated, starved; and for what cost? Oh yeah, so I'll look good for the bands image. It's always about the bands image." BTR oneshot. Rated:T. Can be slashy if you close one eye and turn your head to the side!


A/N: Well, here is my first BTR fic. I'm not really sure how I feel about it, but I hope you like it. It can be considered slashy at some points, just take it how you want:)

Disclaimer: I do not own BTR, but I have Kendall hiding in my closet;)

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><p>I never thought it would come to this.<p>

My head pounded as I walked into the bathroom of apartment 2J. Slamming the door behind me I spun around and pounded my fists on the adjacent wall. Resting my head on the wall in the middle of my clenched fists I tried my hardest to hold back the tears threatening to slip out a fall down my face, but it was of no use. Hot tears flowed down my cheeks as I tried to calm myself down, sliding to the floor. My head felt like it was spinning around and I slowly moved over to the toilet in fear of my lunch coming back up. The floor moved out from underneath my hands and I toppled over before even making it half way to my destination. As my cheek landed on the tile floor I couldn't help but to think that I couldn't do this anymore… I can't be a pop star at this cost.

I'm sleep deprived, dehydrated, starved; and for what cost? Oh yeah, so I'll look good for the bands image. It's always about the bands image.

"_We need you here at five in the morning to record your solo."  
>"Come on, one drink won't get you drunk."<br>"Look, if you just throw up after very meal than you can eat whatever you want. It works for me."  
>"You can have some water after we finish the photo shoot."<br>"I need you to stay later than the rest of the Dogs so you can practice the dance more."  
>"Don't eat that. It will make you fat and nobody will want to look at that on a poster."<em>

The words flew around in my head as I tried to inch towards the toilet. As the floor tilted to the right I could feel the bile rising in my throat. Trying my hardest I pulled myself to the toilet moments before the dry-heaving started. Of course, I have nothing in my stomach… all I had for lunch was a bite of an apple; that's all I had time for.

After the fits off heaving ended I propped myself up against the bathtub and hoped that somehow this situation could get better. My hair clung to my head and my body was clammy, shaking involuntarily. My breathing came labored and it felt like there were sharp daggers hitting me from every angle. I carefully pulled myself into the bathtub and without even thinking about undressing, turned on the water. As the warm water rose and soaked into my clothes I stopped shaking and my body relaxed. Closing my eyes I wondered how I even let Hollywood change me like this. This wasn't the plan at all. The plan was to come to Hollywood and stay the same goofy, hockey loving, boys we were back in Minnesota; that didn't happen. Heck, I really didn't even want to come here; I just did it for my best friend…

As the water rose up to my neck, for a brief second, I thought about ending it; ending all of the pain, the starvation, ending everything. If I just fell asleep, then it would be over just like that. My eyes started to droop and I tried to stay awake, but sleep slowly over takes me as I slide down into the water. As the water soaked my blonde hair, all I could think about was the best friend I came here for._ He's going to be so disappointed in me._

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><p>I was the one who found him.<p>

I looked down at the boy laying in the tub, his face peaceful under the surface of the water. My best friend is laying in a pool of water, lifeless, in front of me. I stood there shocked looking down at him. Soon I snapped out of it and yanked him out of the water. His hair was plastered to his face and his skin took on a weird color. Laying him on the floor, I tried giving him CPR, but nothing happened. There was no heart beat, no breathing, nothing. He was gone. Pulling his lifeless body close to mine I started rocking back and forth, hoping, praying that he would open his bright, green eyes and make fun of how stupid I looked. His eyes stayed closed, and he stayed limp in my arms. I felt the warm tears sliding down my face, but I didn't wipe them away knowing that only more would follow.

Why would he do this? How could my best friend take his own life? How could he leave me here on my own? Sure I still have the other band members, his mom, his sister, Kelly, and Gustavo, but he was the one that always was by my side no matter what. He was the one that helped me when I had girl trouble, he was the one I went to when my dad would beat me, he was the one that convinced Gustavo to bring me and the other group members to LA; and now he's gone…

Logan's voice came from the hallway and asked if I was ok. I couldn't reply. Soon enough the door was being ripped off of its hinges and Logan stood in front of me, complete shock covering his face. He tried to rip him from my grasp, but I kept my hold tight on him. After realizing that there was nothing to do he called 911 and we sat in the bathroom waiting for the ambulance to show up, just to say that he was dead.

Why didn't I see this coming? I knew him the best and I couldn't see that he was on the edge? As I held his body close to mine, I noticed that he was practically skin and bones. The way his clothes were wet and stuck to his skin I could see every bone; he looked like if he hadn't have done this than he would have died from being so skinny. How could I have missed him not eating?

Faintly the ambulances' sirens came into earshot, and I knew I would have to give him up to an EMT; but I don't want to. If I give him to them, then they will confirm that he is dead and I can't handle that. Pulling a hand away from Kendall, I ran it through my long, brown hair, trying to keep calm._ I need my best friend…_

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><p>I tried to keep it together.<p>

But once I saw the leader of our group laying lifeless in the pretty boy's arms, I lost it. I tried pulling him from James' tight grip, there was no use; he wasn't giving Kendall to anyone. I pulled my phone out of my pocket and dialed 911, but after the first ring I realized that it was pretty much useless to call. He was dead.

I told the operator everything, sobs interrupting each word, and she said that they would have an ambulance there in a few moments and to stay on the phone with her. I looked over at James' and it looked as if you took Kendall from his grasp that he was die right there. A new wave of tears hit me as I thought about James' killing himself over this, thinking that he could have saved the blonde boy in his arms. I rubbed my eyes trying to figure all of this out, but it made no logical sense.

Kendall was the happiest guy in the world. He had Jo, he was the reason that the group was taking off, heck, he was living it large. There is no way he was depressed enough to where he thought the only way out was killing himself, right? I mean, I had noticed that he had been losing some weight, but I thought that was because Gustavo had him working extra hard on the new dances for the tour. And sure he's been really tired, but that doesn't mean anything… Were all of the signs there?

I sucked in a deep breath as I realized that all of the signs were there. He was falling, and none of us noticed enough to catch him. I pulled myself closer to Kendall and James. Looking down at the blonde's peaceful face, it looked as if he was just in a deep sleep. I thought about shaking him until he opened his eyes and smiled, but I knew that wouldn't happen… James sat there whispering words into Kendall's hair and I moved to where I could grab him in a hug.

The whispering stopped, but sobs replaced them. Even though he kept his hold tight on the blonde, the brunette completely collapsed into me. I held him and Kendall in my arms, praying that somehow this could get better, but there is no way this could get better. The leader of our group was never coming back, and it's all because we didn't see the signs._ I'm so sorry, I should have seen._

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><p>I heard the sirens<p>

As I walked into The Palm Woods I was almost ran over by a team of paramedics. They ran to Bitters and asked where apartment 2J was located; that's when my stomach dropped to the floor. I quickly ran up to them and asked what was going on, and they replied saying that there was a teenage boy in that apartment had killed himself. My stomach lurched and I bit back my lunch trying not to lose it. They followed me as I told them that I lived there.

Entering the apartment I was prepared to see the worse; either Logan hanging from the ceiling or James laying on the floor, blood pooling around him, but there was nothing. Then I heard the sobs escaping the bathroom. Getting ready to see something gruesome, as I opened the door I was taken aback to find James and Logan sitting on the floor with Kendall sopping wet in James' arms. Tears fell down both boys' face as I fell to my knees and a horrible sound filled my ears. Both of them looked up at me and I realized the sound came from me.

The EMTs tried to pull Kendall from James' grasp, but they couldn't get him to let go. But what were they going to do? We all knew that there was no way that Kendall was going to wake up; he's dead. The EMTs said that they would give us some time and they left the bathroom as I scooted closer to James, Logan, and a lifeless Kendall. James' rocked back and forth murmuring words under his breath in Kendall's hair, and Logan just sat there with his head in his hands trying to hold back sobs. As soon as I got to where I was sitting in front of Kendall I broke down and buried my head in his chest.

He can't be gone. He was the strongest of any of us and had the most heart. How could this have happened? I screamed _Why?_ into Kendall's chest and started shaking violently. James' yelled at Logan to get me out of here. Logan started pulling on my arm, but there was no way I was going to leave. As he tried harder to pull me off, it only made me hold on to Kendall stronger; but my body gave out and I fell limp to the floor. Realization hit me and I closed my eyes praying it wasn't true._ Kendall Knight is gone…_

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><p>I was the last to know.<p>

I was at Palm Woods' park hanging out with friends when my mom came running towards me, tears in her eyes. I automatically started running towards her and she caught me in a bone crushing hug. Sobs wracked her body, and I knew something was horribly wrong. I pulled back from her and looked her straight in the eyes. It looked as if she had been crying for hours, and my heart tightened, waiting for what was about to come out of her mouth.

_Kendall is dead._

The words sliced through me like a knife. My breath caught in my throat and I couldn't breathe. The next thing I knew I was running towards The Palm Woods. The elevator was too slow, so I took the stairs two at a time. Soon I was standing in front of the opened door of apartment 2J. Running into the bathroom I saw two EMTs trying to rip my brother from James' grasp. My face paled and bile rose in my throat. Quickly running to the sink, I made it right before my lunch came back up. Someone was at my side in a flash holding my hair back, and when I turned around I found Logan standing there, eyes swollen and bloodshot. Pulling away from him I ran over to my brother and threw myself on him.

His body, that was usually warm and inviting, was cold and hard. Sobbing into his chest I couldn't let go of him. He was my brother. My big brother. He has been there since day one for me. He would always drop anything for me and would do his best to make me happy. He always had time to talk to me, and now I will never be able to talk to him again.

As I laid on top of a lifeless body that I prayed would somehow come back to life, a tan arm wrapped around me. I looked up to find James' looking down at me with a knowing look. He knows how I feel, Kendall was practically his brother. They spent every moment together, they were never apart. He knew how I was feeling. I scrambled up into his arms and he held both me and my brother, crying on my shoulder.

My mom finally came running into the room and joined us on the bathroom floor, wrapping bother her arms around her _three_ children. Carlos and Logan soon piled into the group and we all sit there in mourning for one special guy.

I don't want to think about him killing himself. I don't want to think that he took himself away from me, that he left me here on my own. Sure he left me with Logan, James, and Carlos but that's not enough; they don't know me like he did. He knew everything about me, and I could tell him anything and know that he would keep it to himself. Now all of my secrets are going to the grave with him. Tears rushed from my eyes and I pushed my face farther into my brother's chest. _I love you big brother._

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><p><em>I never thought it would come to this.<em>

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><p>AN: Reviews make me super happy!


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